Happy Chinese New Year! Its been a weird month for us Catholics in particular because Lent (the month of solemness and and fasting) happens to fall on Valentines day AND Chinese New Year. I'm so confused as to how I'm supposed to feel this month.
But If I was 21 years old then, I would've WISHED I could've fasted and stay far, far away from Valentines day if I could, for I would've avoided V indefinitely. More details to come.
Whenever it comes to love and dating, I've always had this story I'd tell the single folks about this date in particular and I thought I'd finally share it in writing. For those pursuing love, here's everything NOT TO DO on a date. For those single and alone, this will make you feel 100 times better.
Gather around children, and make yourselves comfortable.
OK. So it all started when I was 21 and first got a DM (Direct Message) on Instagram. It was one of the first messages I've ever received from a stranger since I started my account a few weeks back.
The message simply said "Hi, can I kacau you?"
Normally, I'd ignore random messages from strangers, but I checked him out and I thought he was pretty cute. Tall, athletic, friendly face. Anyway, let's call him "V".
So V and I eventually got chatting through Whatsapp, getting to know each other better. He was 25, pursuing a degree in Accounting and studying at one of the nearby universities.
As days went by though, I started getting bored of him because.... his texts were so frequent. Like, I don't have much time to myself except to text him back and when I don't, he starts calling me. Desperate much.
As I started broaching the subject of just us remaining as friends, V insisted that we should meet up and get to know each other in person. I wasn't really that interested but, he was quite persistent to the point where I finally gave in and decided to meet up at Mid Valley during lunch time.
So there I was at lunch time, watching as he approached. Apparently he came much earlier which I appreciated, BUT he was wearing a t-shirt, shorts, and flip flops. You can lecture me all you want that looks don't matter, but still. When someone invites me out with the intention of a date, I would expect him to at least put on a pair of pants and shoes. Its a sign of respect and it shows that he's serious. But that's just my principles.
"Hi," I said. "How was your week?"
"We've been texting all week. I think you should know how my week was by now."
Oh I'm sorry I asked about your well-being. Lemme go through the hundreds of texts you sent and let me get back to you once I've summarized everything.
"You look nice," he said. "But why do you have to put on makeup for? So unnecessary."
Uh, because I'm on a DATE! Have you never been with a girl before??
Seriously, I never thought it's physically possible to annoy someone within the first HOUR of the date.
Moving on, I asked him if he's had something to eat, to which he said no. "Great!" I said, "Let's go get something to eat then."
"Actually..." He said
"I don't eat lunch. I only eat at night."
You don't eat lunch? What do you mean you don't eat lunch? Why the fuck would you ask me to meet up at LUNCHTIME if you don't plan on eating??
"Okay, so what do you wanna do then?" I asked.
"Let's just walk around." he replied.
Sure, V. Of course you should assume that I don't eat lunch either. Because I'm one of those females who would much rather take a walk when she's HUNGRY.
Fine, I'll go along and hopefully we could end the date earlier so I could get something to eat. But the longer we've been walking, the hungrier I got. And when I'm hungry, I get easily irritable. Then again, food probably wouldn't be his saving grace anyway because the conversation was so BORING.
A few examples.
"So what have you been up to lately?" I asked.
"Just eating, sleeping. The usual."
"I'm a virgin." he said.
"Err.. okay, I didn't ask, but okay..."
This guy was drier than the Sahara desert for sure.
"Err... what do you like to do in your free time?"
"Nothing much, I like to play games."
"Ooh! What are you playing right now?"
Here's my last ditch question I'd ask to make the conversation a little more interesting.
"So tell me something about yourself that might surprise me."
"Err.... I like to collect marbles back in primary school."
Forget ASMR, a conversation with V alone will put you to sleep even amidst walking in a busy place like Mid Valley.
At that point, I got REALLY hungry so I finally told him that I'd like to get something to eat. I was hoping that if he was a considerate human being, he would react in horror, like "OMG, I'm so sorry I didn't ask if you were hungry earlier. Let's go get something to eat."
But nope! He just shrugged and said "OK."
Of course, I didn't want to go to a restaurant as I was pretty sure he'd be staring at me while I eat, so I decided to get myself some Popiah. *feeling sorry for myself*
Upon placing my order, the total came up to RM7. I looked to what little hope I have on dating a gentleman, but he just looked away! Call me sexist or whatever, but when someone asks me out on a date, I'd expect the guy to offer to pay. In case you still didn't get the point, I don't expect him to pay, but it would be nice if he OFFERED to pay. Especially when you asked me out in the first place and expect me not to eat lunch. Is RM7 too much to ask for?
Fine, I quietly paid for my Popiah and looked for a bench to sit down.
He sat next to me as I offered him a piece, but he refused. Like the average person, I'd take a piece of Popiah and pop it into my mouth so that it wouldn't get messy. He just stared at me as I ate and said, AND I KID YOU NOT, "Wow, you have a huge mouth!"
Oh yeah, I don't see why I'm not in bed with him right away.
While I was trying to figure out how do I react to this, he then continued on by saying. "Did you know your face is oily right now?"
I was so embarrassed. Why did he have to say things like that? So I just replied "Err... yeah, my complexion is normally quite oil..."
"Did you know," he interrupted. "That I read this article somewhere about girls who sees the person they like. Whenever they see that person, her skin tends to secrete oil. So that means you like me, right?"
ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? That's your attempt of flirting? By placing yourself on the pedestal, you damn perasan idiot? Where's the cameras? Confirm I'm on some prank show set up by Melissa or something.
I literally said nothing but stared at him for the longest time.
Well, after finishing my Popiah, I decided that enough was enough. So I said, "Look V, you seem like a nice guy but.... I think we should just remain as friends."
As soon as I said that, things took a turn for the worst.... or weird. He started talking about why we'd make the perfect couple; because we're both athletic, we're both Catholics, and I'm tall, which makes the perfect height for us to make out standing (his words, not mine, I swear!). Based on these facts alone, our children would be beautiful!
Oh man, I then knew that I cannot escape this date that easily.
As we continued walking, he started poking me in the ribs. he tousled my hair, and tried to put his arms around me. This went on for another 10 minutes before I said I'd chop his hands off if he tries to touch me one more time.
During the next torturous hour, he went on trying to convince me why we'd make the perfect couple. "Go with the flow," he'd say. "Eventually you'll come to like it."
"No," I said. "YOU go with the flow and accept the fact that I'm not interested."
Look, I know rejection is hard for everybody, but at that point, I really had to be blunt if I wanted to get my point across. I didn't want to hurt anybody, but I'd rather be outright honest about it.
STILL, he won't let it go and I didn't know how to get out of the situation. I even tried to call my friend while I was in the bathroom, so she could later call me and pretend that there was an emergency which I had to go. But NOPE, the one time she's not on the phone and that was when I needed her the most.
Finally, I mustered up the courage to say that I should just leave. He begrudgingly agreed and walked me to my car. All the way, he looked so disappointed, like he wanted to cry and I felt so bad about it.
Just as I got into my car, I said goodbye and gave him a hug. He hugged me tighter and longer that usual, but finally he let go and I drove off.
By the time I got home, I thought this would be the last I hear of him and his shenanigans, but I got a text.
"Hey, you know, after you gave me a hug, you made me wet."
"What do you mean you're wet?"
"Like, I'm wet la, you wanna see?"
OMG ewww no! Who ejaculates after a hug? Gross!
Wah, luckily there's no second date with him after that. Otherwise confirm I'll get pregnant by then la.
Anyway, that's the end of my disastrous date and I thought I'd never find the right partner.
Lucky for me, I met my current partner of 3 years not too long after that, so it's all good. No weirdness, other than the fact that we'd watch pimple popper videos together once in a while. But that's love.
Anne is the author and founder of this blog. She likes to write about current issues, travels, food and the general struggles of a millennial.