Photo Credit: Free Malaysia Today
So we've been all talking about it; the miraculous change in the government and justice being finally served in the country!
With all the hoo haa going on, our beloved new Prime Minister, Dr. Mahathir spared not a moment to lose in re-opening the 1MDB case, a case of colossal kleptocracy which brought international attention, and yet has been hushed hushed within our mother country herself.
As police began work by raiding the homes of ex-PM Najib, they've found a staggering amount of 280++ Hermes Birkin handbags (belonging to Rosmah, not Najib), worth an estimated amount of a lifetime supply of Pizza's flown from Italy by a Michelin star chef for 5 and a half people daily. And 15 kidneys from Ivy League graduates with poor decisions.
Can you imagine how one Birkin handbag could change your life entirely? Like, just ONE?
I'll tell you how. Here's what I would do if I had any one of those prestigious handbags (with reference to SAYS' estimates)
1. The Fuchsia crocodile Birkin studded with diamonds: Auctioned off for HKD1.72 million (RM870,000) in 2016
Photo Credit: Just Luxe
You wake up one day, and you are in possession of a handbag worth RM870,000. Heck, first thing I'd do is to play up the market value by advertising how it once made big news, having had a mistress like Rosmah. How often do you get to be in possession of what was once involved in a scandalous event. Imagine the starting conversation with this baby!
I'd then auction it off for at least RM1 mil and I would happily purchase at least two terrace house in the urban area and start collecting rent while paying off the rest of both houses. Eventually, both houses will be paid off and I could continue to buy more properties, building my empire.
But of course, the millennial side of me would probably use that money to fly to Las Vegas, hire Elton John to be my pianist, while I sprawl across his piano, belting "Can You Feel The Love Tonight". And no, he does not get to sing along.
2. Niloticus Crocodile Himalaya Birkin 30: Auctioned off for HKD2.98 million (RM1.51 million) last year, making it the world's most expensive handbag sold at an auction
Photo Credit: Reuters
Weighing a little less than a toddler, this ridiculous "almost albino" crocodile handbag is designed with 242 diamonds on its 18-karat gold hardware and its considered one-of-a-kind.
Geez... This bag is at least one and a half million ringgit! Why do the rich wipe their asses with 100 dollar bills like that???
If I were suddenly in possession of such a bag, I would probably deconstruct the bag and retrieve the gold and jewels within. Then, I would sell off the bag, remake the diamonds into a mother's day gift and keep the gold until its value increases to buy another handbag from Jusco.
Alternatively, I would sell it off for RM1.8 mil and use the money to fly off to Grandhotel Pupp in Czech Republic via helicopter, hire the presidential room and get a full makeover. I would then rediscover myself as a woman and finally realize my worth as I try living life to the fullest by skydiving and learn how to ski.
3. A metallic bronze chèvre leather Hermès Birkin bag: Auctioned off for USD117,000 (RM465,480) in December last year
Photo Credit: New York Times
With almost RM470,000 in your hands, its still a lot nonetheless. Seriously, this could feed a nation of mildly hungry college students, craving for Starbucks.
With that amount of money, I'd probably hire an entire crew of singers and dancers from Bollywood to stalk around in KL, and suddenly (but in a timely way) burst into a highly coordinated, catchy musical so that I could finally live out my dreams of being part of a real life Hindi musical by Aamir Khan.
My time has finally come... *sari flowing in the wind*
4. Hermès Birkin Bag by Ginza Tanaka: Retailed for USD1.9 million (RM7.56 million)
Photo Credit: Hermes
With so much bling, it could potentially blind you, this 'bag' was created by Japanese designer Ginza Tanaka with 2,000 diamonds, and a pear-shaped eight-karat stone that can also be removed and worn as a brooch. Plus, the straps can be doubled as a diamond necklace! Two for one, right?
Here's what I'd do with a handbag worth RM7.5 mil. I'd use the money to first fly over to the US in First Class to Texas. There, I will be travelling the states, trying every good burger in town, in search of the best burger in the country. After years of searching and finally finding the ONE in small town Mississippi, prepared by a lovely woman with a southern accent, I will ask for her recipe, to which she tells me I would have to snatch it off her dead corpse before I could do that.
I go to the nearest gym, in preparation of the final showdown, hiring Terry Crews as my trainer and learning the art of Euro Training. I eventually develop some fighting skills, taking down Silvester Stallone and Rhonda Rousey, and finally making up the stairs of Philadelphia Museum as I stare at the sunset before the day comes.
Burger Lady eyes me as I saunter down the cafe, a tiger ready to pounce.
"One deluxe Cheeseburger." I quietly said. "And hold the pickles."
She nods. Proceeds to start frying the patties.
As the aroma of the burger wafts in the cafe, I watch as she places the plate on the table, never breaking eye contact. "Bon appetit." She says as she walks away.
I take a bite and find that there's at least two pickles in this otherwise delicious burger.
"YOU BITCH!" I yell as I hop over the counter, but she was ready as she pulled out her spatula. "Bring it!" She smiled, ready for a fight.
We fought relentlessly. I break a chair over her. She pushes me into the grill, but not before I stuff two pickles in her eyes, stinging her. I then stagger to the kitchen and start throwing knives at her, but she was too quick as she dived into the counter splashing hot coffee over me. I screamed and threw the cheese spreader clean into her head and watched as she fell to the ground.
Wordlessly, I walk over to her lifeless body. "The secret to the Kraby Patty is mine now." I sneered, as I prise the recipe out of her cold, dead fingers. Eventually, the police finds and arrests me, but not before I make eye contact with Joe, the donut loving officer from the gym. We make a secret deal in the cell as I hand over some of the Birkin money. I then escape back to Malaysia and continue to live a life of luxury, eating good burgers.
What would YOU do with a Hermes Birkin bag?
Anne is the author and founder of this blog. She likes to write about current issues, travels, food and the general struggles of a millennial.