Its been two months since we've been apart.
I remember the night it all ended when I held his hands and asked what was wrong. He seemed troubled. He took a long sip from his coffee and finally said, "I don't know how to say this, but I think we shouldn't continue to see each other anymore."
I felt a stab in my heart. I knew this day was gonna come one day, but not so soon. Not after we just came back from an overseas trip, or that I had recently introduced him to the family, or even the fact that I was in my second day of my new job. Things were going so well and it all crashed down in just a few seconds.
The rest of the night was all a blur; I vaguely remembered asking why so and he told me that he realize that our personalities were too different. I always knew we were different, but did he take 3 years to realize that?
Did you cheat on me? I asked.
No, he told me. There was no one. I just felt that we both have different goals in life and I think we should just separate.
The rest was history. The only bright side of it was that I was proud that I maintained poise and decorum; I never raised my voice, nor did I burst into tears. Although, there was a split moment when I did fall into silence, telling myself to hold it together and never let him have that satisfaction knowing that I was truly hurt.
I walked to my car, gave him a hug and never looked back. It was only halfway on the way home that I truly bawled my eyes out and nearly blinded myself driving home. It was one of the worst feelings ever.
2 Months Later
I was sitting in a dessert cafe, eating shaved ice on Mango with someone new. He's a nice guy and it was the second date when we met up to watch Solo - A Star Wars Movie. Wasn't the most mind blowing film ever, but it was quite enjoyable.
Things were going well until I got a notification on Instagram saying that my ex liked one of my old photos in December. It was a picture of the two of us posing during the opening of the latest Star Wars Movie (the irony, huh?).
Since that awful breakup, I never had one shred of communication with him; I cut off all social media ties and went cold turkey from texting him all day everyday during the relationship, to none at all. Like, zip. It was really tough, but I knew for my sake it was the right thing for me to do; there is nothing to go back to, and I needed time to heal.
I remember spending the entire weekend just crying my eyes out and refusing to eat a crumb. All I did all day was sit in my room, read, cry, drink water, use the bathroom, and cry again. I was fortunate that my best friend came by to comfort me. She knew the right things to say and I did feel better with her around. But of course, the wound was still fresh. It was a good thing my parents were away that weekend, or my mum would fuss and make a bigger drama of it.
Getting back to work was hard too. I was the new girl, barely into her first week and I was already looking depressing as hell. On my first and second day, I was super cheerful and my colleagues seemed to like me. But on Monday, even they could sense something was up. I couldn't stop the tears trickling down my face on the train ride to work, so I had the saddest looking eyes.
Eventually, I had to open up to them and explain the reason behind my behavior. Lucky for me, they were very understanding and supportive of me. I felt truly blessed to be in such a caring team. Still, it took about a week or two before I finally stopped sobbing whenever I hear a familiar love song, or reply the same memory of that night over and over again. Its hard to get over someone who once played a serious role in your life; it was the first time I ever brought a guy home to my parents and the longest relationship I've ever been in.
As time went by, things got easier; I started laughing more, I hung out with my friends, and I was feeling normal again. Not too long after, I started dating again, and I swear its not a rebound. I think I've cried all the sadness away until I became emotionally exhausted. I came to the point where I eventually accepted the fact and looking towards a new future.
I guess it was easy to get over him when he decided to walk away from my life. I'm not one to hold anyone back that way, and I truly wish him the best.
Anyway, back to the IG post. So there I was in the middle of my date when my ex liked one of our old pics. I have already deleted most of our pics on my profile, but I guess I missed that one out. I was really surprised because throughout our entire relationship, he has never liked any of my posts before.
I immediately checked his profile to see what's up, but the next thing I knew, he blocked me. In the end, knowing him, I guessed that he must have been scrolling through my profile, accidentally liked our old pic, panicked and then blocked me in hopes that I wouldn't see the notification. (despite his seemingly lack of interest in my posts, I always knew he was my biggest stalker)
In a way, I was glad that he did that. It gave me closure knowing that even though he ended it in the first place, he still cared about what I thought and wanted to know how I was doing. It really gave me that sense of happiness where I can truly move on knowing that I wasn't the only one getting out of this relationship scarred.
Anyway, I know it is over, and I wouldn't want to get back together with him anyway. Having the rose stained glasses taken off have made me realize too that perhaps we're not meant for each other after all. Would I consider a friendship with him? Probably not right now, but I may consider being on talking terms in the future. Maybe.
Anne is the author and founder of this blog. She likes to write about current issues, travels, food and the general struggles of a millennial.